Because
by AirGirl Phantom
Summary: [AU - Canon Divergence] [a pre-slash Aokuro oneshot] ... This moment, in which Kuroko saw the look in Aomine's eyes and suddenly understood that if he didn't say the right thing, right now,they could lose everything. He could lose everything.


An alternate take on That Scene from chapter 220 of the manga.

Based on a meta post I made on Tumblr, though I'd suggest you don't look at the post until after you've read the fic. (exuberant-imperfection . tumblr post / 106766364972)

"...Why?"

Kuroko had been expecting a yes or no answer (well… expecting a no, hoping for a yes), so Aomine's response caught him off guard.

After a moment of surprised silence from Kuroko, Aomine continued. "Why should I practice? Why, when I'll win matches even if I don't want to? Should I play at full strength like you told me to, just so I can more thoroughly crush opponents who have already lost their will to fight?"

(Aomine wasn't really sure whether he was hoping for reassurance or for an excuse to get angry and scream.)

While Aomine spoke, Kuroko turned his gaze to the ground, trying to figure out what to say, but he found no answers there. So he looked back up at Aomine, who was still facing away from him.

He began to feel the urge to speak, to say something, anything, but he only let a single word fall out, "I — " before he snapped his mouth shut again. Aomine turned his head to the side, waiting for him to continue.

(Lashing out or running away were much more tempting options than waiting for an answer; it took every ounce of willpower to hold his tongue right now.)

_I understand,_ was what Kuroko wanted to say, but that was just a filler, wasn't it? Something to buy more time for him to come up with something better to say? Because he couldn't possibly understand, not really. _But what do I say, then?_

He could see the look in Aomine's eyes, now, from this angle. He could see all the anger and hurt and despair all pulsing just beneath the surface, just waiting to explode out. And yeah, maybe he couldn't relate to Aomine's struggle, but seeing just how volatile Aomine's emotional state was made him understand one thing, and that was the utter importance of this moment.

This moment, which stretched into hours and created their own little bubble in time where they couldn't even hear the rain falling around them. This moment, in which Kuroko's stomach felt like it was weighed down with stone and his heart felt like it was trying to fit an entire lifetime of beating into one second. This moment, in which Kuroko saw the look in Aomine's eyes and suddenly understood that if he didn't say the right thing, _right now,_ they could lose everything. _He_ could lose everything.

_I could lose everything._

_…I don't want to lose you._

That thought broke something open deep within him, and Kuroko couldn't have stopped himself from speaking even if he tried. "Because I want you to," he said softly, and just like that the moment had passed and the rain was so loud in his ears and against his skin, and _wow_ he hadn't known how badly he'd needed to say that out loud until now.

Aomine turned to fully face him, but Kuroko didn't meet his gaze.

"What?"

Kuroko wasn't sure whether Aomine was asking for an explanation or just hadn't heard what he'd said. So he stepped closer, looked up at Aomine, and repeated it. "Because I want you to. …I want you to come back to practice," he added, for clarity.

(The words struck Aomine harder than any fist and knocked the breath out of him as easily as a punch to the stomach.)

He saw Aomine's face soften from the cynical glare as the anger subsided… and then crumble into vulnerability as the distant, dead look in his eyes faded. And although it was difficult to see so much hurt on his friend's face, it was such a relief to see his eyes come back to life. It had been so disconcerting for the past few months to see him looking so lifeless, so lost in whatever faraway place he went to protect himself from reality, when he was usually more full of life than anyone else Kuroko had ever met.

Remembering how he had felt when meeting Aomine for the first time, and seeing the state he was in now, made Kuroko even more determined to bring him back to practice, because he didn't want this despair to destroy him, because he didn't want him to throw everything away when he had so much going for him, because… "I don't want you to give up," he said, his voice a little louder, a little more sure than before.

Suddenly, Kuroko became very aware of how his thoughts were going straight to his mouth with no filter at this point. (It was an alarming realization, because he usually was very careful when choosing which things to say out loud and which things to keep to himself.) Then, he also became very aware of Aomine's continued silence.

And he panicked.

He found himself playing out the worst case scenario in his head, watching Aomine scoff and abandon him, leaving him alone in the rain. He imagined never staying late to practice together again, never walking home together again, never spending lazy weekends together again — he saw his life with Aomine torn out of it, and it was dark. The things he imagined were blurred by denial, though, because although he was currently fearing for the worst, he couldn't help but remember the best — Aomine's bright smile, his encouraging words, the solid foundation he had provided when Kuroko had felt like he was dangling over the edge of a cliff — and he found it so hard to process the idea of that ending so abruptly.

Between his abject fear of having already lost Aomine, and the sudden assault of memories that incited a desperate rush of affection, Kuroko felt like he was drowning in his own mind. The rain was still falling so loudly and his heart was pounding in his ears. A lump swelled in his throat, and the tears that burned in his eyes began to overflow. He raised a hand to his mouth to stifle his ragged breaths, but his hands were shaking too.

(Aomine had never seen Tetsu so overwhelmed. _Never_. He felt sick from guilt and self-hatred, but it was the deep concern for his friend that finally pulled a word from his shock-frozen throat.)

"Tetsu…"

Aomine's voice cut through the haze of panic. Kuroko looked up and attempted to wipe his eyes so he could see properly, but his vision kept re-blurring, and he didn't really know what else to do, so he just looked at Aomine and waited.

After a moment, Aomine spoke again, "_Fuck,_" but his voice broke and he bowed his head and hid his face in his hands, and Kuroko heard him say something else but he couldn't tell if it was a swear or a sob, and _oh no_ now he was even more upset and Kuroko sure wasn't feeling any less hysterical and now it felt like he was drowning while also watching Aomine float far away from him into the sky —

— so Kuroko took the last few steps forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Aomine and clenched fistfuls of his shirt and tucked his head snugly against his shoulder and just held on and cried.

(He heard — no, sensed Tetsu approaching, and looked up just in time to see the head of cloud-soft sky-blue hair settle against his chest. He stiffened in surprise, arms frozen awkwardly out in front of him, hesitant to reciprocate.)

"Tetsu…?"

This time Aomine seemed to be asking something of him, and Kuroko had no idea what the question was, but somehow, he had an answer. "You're my best friend," he said, speaking through his constricted throat and shuddering breaths as strongly as he could manage. It felt like he was pulling the words out from some place deep in his heart that was full of thoughts and feelings that had never seen the light of day… until now, when he had nothing else left he could use to get though to Aomine. He took a deep breath —

"I _need_ you."

— and waited, because he felt like he had given all that he could possibly give, and then some.

(All hesitation vanished and Aomine immediately wrapped his arms around Tetsu and held him close, one hand on his trembling back and one hand gently cradling his head. And when Aomine bowed his own head it was at just the perfect height to rest it on Tetsu's — he fit so well in Aomine's arms it was as if Tetsu was made just for him, had been part of him all along — and his hair smelled like rain and sweat and _Tetsu_, and _god_ he was still shuddering and crying and holding onto Aomine like he was afraid he was going to disappear into thin air.)

(He hated himself for having fucked up so badly that he had to see Tetsu like this, and he hated that it took Tetsu completely breaking down for him to realize how badly he was fucking up, and _fuck_ he was going to make this right even if it killed him, he was going to do whatever he possibly could to make everything okay, because nothing was okay right now and he couldn't go on like this and he couldn't go on seeing Tetsu like this.)

The feeling of Aomine's arms around him sent a shiver of relief down his spine. It wasn't the complete reassurance that everything was going to be okay, but it was something. He concentrated on nothing but the comfort of Aomine's warmth, and breathing.

(He squeezed his eyes shut tightly against the tears but it didn't really do any good.)

As he began to feel calmer, Kuroko slowly became aware of the fact that he could hear Aomine's heartbeat, and also that the rain seemed to be letting up. He relaxed his grip on Aomine's shirt and instead linked his hands together at the small of Aomine's back, his arms now gently encircling his waist.

He had the feeling that, normally, he would be far too self-conscious to let any of this continue, but right now his muscles ached and his head was pounding and his throat was raw and he was so exhausted in so many ways that he found he really didn't care.

(As Tetsu shifted in his arms Aomine found himself thinking about how amazing it was that he was still here, when he should have run away by now and left Aomine in the rain like he deserved. The bittersweet feeling swelled in his throat and —)

— suddenly Kuroko felt Aomine shudder and let out a sound that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

"Aomine-kun?" he said, concerned, pulling back gently. (He kept a light hold on the hem of Aomine's shirt though, because he still kind of felt like if he let go he might float away.)

Aomine's arms fell to his sides and he slowly raised his head to meet Kuroko's gaze.

Kuroko's heart skipped a beat as he saw the tears slipping down Aomine's face. But it was only for a moment, and then Aomine wiped them away, and looked back up with a half-smile that wasn't really all that happy. Kuroko did his best to smile back, and waited.

Now that the rain had stopped, the silence was even heavier than before.

"Shit, Tetsu," Aomine eventually said, running a hand through his hair. "I… fuckin'…" He sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't — " His voice cracked. He cleared his throat and continued, haltingly. "I didn't know… you… well… the — everything's been shitty lately, and I'm really just… not okay. But I was only thinking about me. I didn't know that you… that you weren't… I thought…" He paused, and then looked down and the ground as he finished, "I thought you'd be okay… or even better off, without me."

"…" Kuroko poked him _hard_ in the stomach.

Aomine yelped and covered the spot with his hands. "What was that for?"

"Because Aomine-kun is an idiot."

(And then Tetsu did that thing where his mouth seemed serious, but his eyes were bright like a smirk, and it felt so normal, Aomine almost started smiling in relief. But then Tetsu's eyes became serious too.)

"How could you ever think that?" he said softly. It wasn't really a question —

( — and Aomine didn't really have an answer.)

Silence stretched between them again.

(Aomine tried to think of what else to say, because it didn't really feel like they were done yet. He looked down in contemplation, and noticed that one of Tetsu's hands was still grasping the hem of his shirt. It was trembling, ever so slightly. Without really thinking about it, Aomine grabbed Tetsu's hand and held it with both of his.)

Kuroko jerked in surprise but didn't pull away. He looked up at Aomine, who looked a little embarrassed but also quite serious, and he didn't really know what to expect.

"I don't know… how much I can do," Aomine said. "About going to practice, and stuff," he clarified. "Because, you know, practice is okay, but when I practice, games make me feel even shittier. So. Yeah."

Kuroko felt dread creeping up through his stomach. Was everything they just went through for nothing?

But then Aomine continued. "Um… but. I'll try." He squeezed Kuroko's hand. "I'm gonna try. For you."

Kuroko's heartbeat quickened and heat rushed to his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but it seemed Aomine still wasn't done.

"And, uh. I mean, it might not work. I don't know if things will get better for me," he said with a shrug, diverting his gaze for a moment. But when he looked back at Kuroko, he looked utterly determined as he said, "But, I promise you, that even if everything goes to shit with the team, I won't leave you. We'll still be best friends, and you can still be happy with the team, and maybe not everything will be great but we'll still be together." He squeezed Kuroko's hand again. "I _promise_."

It wasn't the perfect happy ending Kuroko had been really wishing for, but he hadn't lost Aomine, and that was the most important thing. A few leftover tears fell from the corners of his eyes but he was smiling. As long as he still had Aomine, he could face anything. _They_ could face anything. Together.


End file.
